Beauty From Pain

I need to scream right now. It's all falling apart again. Half the time I feel like I'm uder water and I just can't breathe anymore. Everyone seems so far away even if I'm standing right next to them. If I try to say I think I need help my heart starts beating out of my chest, my head hurts, I feel like I can't move, and I'm like mute. It's so damn hard to fake it. I just want to scream until my lungs burst. Until someone hears me, realy hears me. I NEED HELP. I can't do this by myself anymore. I just can't do it period I guess. Everything seems to be getting worse, I sware everything I touch turns to shit. There have actually been days were I'm paranoid to touch anything.

Anyway.....
Moreeta and 'us' are still fighting. But I feel bad about it because it's not completely fair for us to freak on her for standing up for her friend. I DON"T KNOW!!!! uggg

Over and Under

Hello again.
How is hell my dear?

WoW is an uderstatement. I being the drama queen that I am got overly involved in the whole fight thing. But as suspected it wasn't just Robert and Pauls fault!!!! Ok so.....The knives were obviously just for protection. But Colton also had one or two but he handed them off then told the counselor about R&P's. Stupid Pansy. Then Colton only got 1 day ISS-I am so pissed..but nothing I can do. So Moreeta&Ashley are like bragging that Colton is so amazing when he is realy a douche bag extroudenair. So me,Kae,and Leanne freak out on Moreeta. But she like got upset and hurt(haha) then appoligized at the end of the day. I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU! See ya.
Oh wait almost forgot the best part!!!!!
Robert&Paul got 2 days suspension!!!!!!!!!!So they'll be back tomorrow or monday!!!! yay my buddies will be back!!! well minus jesse *sob*

I've just seen a face

I was gone for a week and so much has happend, unfortunately. I kinda wish I could turn time and alter a few things but tragically I can't . Sadly some of it is my fault even if I tried to reverse the way things happend.
1. Jesse moves
2. Andy starts dating Kae's little sister-which is wierd to me for some reason 0.o
3. Robert-Colton thing
4.More family stuff
5. More anti-friends stuff
6. More dad problems
7. Blaim myself for most of it

There's more I just can't seem to remember much.
#3: Colton said stuff about Robert so they like started calling eachother names and taunting eachother. Then Robert got sick of it and decided the should fight. They tried but me&Randy didn't want him to get suspended and Ashley-Marie and Moreeta hold him back cuz Ashley's dating Colton. Well he broke through four people and he's little. So it scared Colton so they went home. They tried again but Colton was too scared to want to fight anymore. So Paul,Robert,and Toby antagonize(so I've heard) Colton or something and Colton calls like 21 years olds that are fresh out of the military to help him. So then Robert,Paul,and Toby go home and devise a plan. Well Robert&Paul go to school with like flip open knives-to protect themselves-but they show a whole bunch of people. So two people I know(never told anyone they found out) tell the counselors and now they are suspended/expelled. GRRRRRRRRRRR

Ohio Is For Lovers

Awsome song by the way, listening to it.

I decided against school Monday and Tuesday, but my mom has forced me to go the two days. My step-dad is truly a wanna be nazis, which is beyond infurating. Ugghhh. I was doing so well then it all has begun to tumble down the past few weeks. It was like my life was getting on some sort of track then probably two weeks ago it derailed itself, again. I realy can't stand much more of any of this stupid stuff. My real dad is threatning to take full or part-time custody of me. My mom is constantly freaking out on me. My step-dad is allways rude and commenting on how I eat(which by the way I have an ultimate solution for). My grandmother is drinking again and my mom isn't talking to her so she's venting to me constantly. My step-dad is blowing money so now we're screwed on stuff for a while. My great-grandmother told me she blames me for ruining my moms life...and for making my grandpa die. It's been completely eating away at me lately. I'm a horrible person. And she's right, I don't deserve to be alive most of the time. And today I made Alissa get her heart broken and she was crying for like 2 hours and I left her to..uhhhh..do something...and now she won't look at me. She knows it's my fault I guess. And apparently I'm leading Paul on, I didn't even know he liked me! And the one guy I like is....well...unatamable I guess is the word. Kinda burned that bridge. Then on average three times daily so far people ask me if I'm still dating Anthony and then why we broke up. Which it never bothered me that we did, because I liked someone else for a lot of the time and was going to end it because of the reason he did, but having it rubbed in your face that your not good enough for someone kinda sucks, hell it sucks hard. I'm just losing control of everything. But I realized why I'm friends with Brooke, it's because she doesn't care if I'm depressed/suicidal she actually incourages it and makes it worse which is twistedly comforting. And I'm hoping, praying actually, that Mrs.Vellucci will let me skip lunch to paint like I did today. Because if she did, like everyday for the rest of the year, I think I might be able to barely make it. But I'm not sure. And I was snapping myslef with a rubber band in the store and this random guy looked at me like I was the scum of the earth, so..I...well...bared my teeth and barked at him. He kinda sprinted away though so it worked. Now I have to go to school tomorrow and pretend like I'm ok when in reality most of the time I'm thinking of creative ways to die. The only one who even notices when I get quiet or just sad is Andy when he's around. Wierd. Oh ya before I forget....I have to say the person I like(long story don't ask):andy......ya I know...sad....

xoxo,
deathbeforemind

American Jesus

What has happend in the fourish days i didn't want to write:

1.Got mad at brooke again

2.anthony yells at me over something semi-important

3.mr.frank now dislikes me(hahaha)

4.miss sadie-sue terribly

5.anthony and i break up,but agree on being friends

6. have nervous break down because of #2

7. brooke comes over

8. laugh my head off

9. get lost and almost get attacked by pit bull,have to go through a cemetary, and randomly laugh at stupid semi-inapropiate things

10. Today I am sick.

Brooke decided to mock me over the phone so we got into an argument but then I semi-forgave her. Shawn and I kinda truced but he still hates me. Now #9 is funny. So Brooke and I are bored so we go to the park. We're there for like 2ish hours. Plus we hang out in the dug outs till this guy kicked us out. But my house is like 30min walk from there, but I decided to take a 'short' cut through another neighborhood. We got realy lost and had no idea where we were. So then we some how end up at a cemetary and have to break the fence around it so we can walk through it and try to find our way home. May I add it begun to snow/hail/rain by this point. So Brookes all interested in the graves were as I'm expecting to see zombies attack at any moment. So then theirs like two babies graves and I start crying over it because I'm a sap like that. Then we find our way out. So we have to walk along the golf course and this guy like followed us part of the way, creepy. Then eventually we found my house but I was extremely creeped out because we broke the stupid fence. And now I'm sick. Boo.

What I Should Have Learned In Study Hall

The past couple of days have been ok. Moreeta got ISS for 'fighting' with Katie, which means I got a break from both of them. Shawn continued his threatning and he said it to Anthony multiple times. So then he got mad so I felt guilty. Blah blah blah. Then a few minutes ago Ashley called and said Anthony's using me. But the question is for what exaclty, because he isn't getting anything. So I have to figure out what to do. Then theres another thing but it's unimportant right now. Leanne and I are going to get kicked out of history tomorrow so that'll be fun. And I'm done with my english isats. But I have to go to school tomorrow. And deal with Brock calling me fat, stupid, and worthless. Why am I his friend?

If It Makes You Happy

I'm sick.
Physically sick, mentally sick, and just SICK.
Yesterday I started dating this guy Anthony, =D. But Shawn is being mean and saying he's going to make him break up with me. I got WAY too much sleep last night(10hrs holy hell) I realized I'm not advancing in certain things as well as I thought(no descriptions srry). I can't stand girls, other than myself obviously just kidding, but realy they fight,cry,then are over it. how STUPID. then they throw fits because they spilled soda everywhere and wasn't happy so everyone had to leave. Uggghhhhh. And Shawn found my achilles heel and has been using it against me for the past like 3ish days. Jerk. And I missed my bus the past 2 days. But on Sunday I get to do my first tattoo i think!!!! My step-dad is letting me give him a tattoo on his calf I'm stoked!!!!! yay!!!! and i decided on my dream tat: it'll go from my ankle to my armpitish area. and from my ankle to my hip will be all Tim Burton movies. From my hip-up will be Edgar Allen Poe poems. YAY