Straight Jacket Fashion

I am stupid,stupid, STUPID. I still like Andy, like alot and sadly there is nothing I can do about it. It turns my stomach to know he likes another girl and I hate the fact I'm not perfect for him to like me back. Holy crap I am truly pathetic. I'll get over it eventually, I have to because I still want to be his friend but wow it sucks for now. I realy will be okay. Atleast I think I'm moving soon so that'll help(bonus I'll be FAR way from Brooke). And I started being a dumb person again. Today is sucking tremedously. And I have to hang-out with Brooke today and I realy wish I could just go plummtining headfirst off a bridge at the moment. There it is again, the ever present suicidal tendencies that lay within every person mind, I'm just twisted enough to actually put it in writing though. I just need to forget everyone and everything and I'll be ok.

Evil Angel

Things are seemingly going ok. But seemingly is a damn deadly word. My "second-best friend" called me pathetic and basically said if I was going to do something I might as well just kill myself. Which she doesn't get is allways on my mind and a large possibility, moron. And she threw a tantrum over the computer and almost hit me with this heavy wooden chair, ya love ya too Brookie, so of course I have to punish myslef for making her do it. I am blaming myself again for my parents problems and I am begining to develop a plan(write more later?) I want to be happy and things to be ok but stuff allways seems to happen to set me back and start my self-hate allover again. Gotta go see what's wrong with my sister, write again eventually.

You Live, You Learn

Ok so lets review:

1.Boring Field Trip Yestersay
2.Robert and I take wrong bus
3.Spring Break Starts
4.Jesse tells me he still likes me
5.Mayde tells me who she actually likes
6.Andy dumps me

Ya I feel asleep during the movie and Kae tickled me so I fell out of my seat like a spaz. I was following Paul and Robert was following me and we went the wrong way. 3 is self-explanatory. Jesse and I are close friends and he likes my friends Mayde but just wants a gf. Shawn was supposidly going to ask me out but I went out w/ Andy because Mayde "liked" Shawn, but in reality she likes some one else. And I'm slowly getting over #6.

Start From Skratch

Well I would like to start this out as a retraction for ever thinking Andy would cheat on me, sorry babe i love you. Next I would like to profess my undying dislike for that stupid skank Katie. Ok now that that is settled details will begin.

1)Katie is evil and deserves everything Robert said to her, yes even the moo-ing.
2)My friends SUCK, minus like 4, seriously I would have their backs in a fight or even an argument in a heartbeat but they won't even stick up for me. Ya go to hell! You guys are cool to be around but when it comes down to it you'r not there thanx how helpful.
3) I was incredibly wrong about Andy. But for the one person who knows my entire history(Sadie) it'd be understandable I guess, but not excusable.
4)It is not my fault if the world is going to hell, the world already is hell. I need to stop taking responsibility for other peoples problems and deal with mine.
5) It's ok to make mistakes,as long as you learn from them.
6)What happend in the past needs to stay there and I have to learn to get over it, most of it happend nine years ago and it still stresses me out. I'll be ok if I just let it go and forget.
7)My real friends,Brooke Sadie and Robert plus my bf Andy, are the coolest people ever and everyone else could just go die.
8)My parents problems are not my problems, nor are they my fault.
9)It'll all be ok, one of these days it'll all make sense.
10)Death is not allways the answer. Pure rage is.

Those are the things I must convince myself of, though #1,3,7 are COMPLETELY true and I already know this.

I Can't Stand You

today was great,until the end of the day.

Lets start with the good.
That girl Katie thought it would bother me if she talked about me. It didn't, so I got some enjoyment from her idiocy. All that means is that I got to her with what I said and if she's trying to get me back she's going to have to work a little harder. Then I was happy being around Andy. And 6th period we did nothing. Then my dad was late so I took the bus and he actually came so he made me feel guilty about it. This guy told me I looked like a hooker. And the worst news. This other guy on my bus told me Andy has been cheating on me with like 2 other girls. So ya I'm going to confront him then probly break-up with him depending on what he says. The crappy part about it is that I was actually falling for him and he did that. All guys suck! Oh and Katie and Moreeta are now "friends" but Katie is still talking to her, but I'll let her figure that one out on her own because it's her own fault for trusting that stupid nvm no good words come to mind.

The New Dark Ages

I'm extremely bored so this is what becomes of it I suppose. I am watching my 2year old little sister so my mom can go to a Drowning Pool/Saliva concert, without me. It sucks pretty bad but autographs may come of it I suppose. Today was uneventful for the most part. My parentals argued(usual occurance), went grocery shoping(gag me w/ a spoon), drank lotz of coffee because sleep is bad because dreams are starting to horrify me, and killed a butterfly on this skirt so I will actually wear it. Ya dull.
The whole sleep deprivstion thing is because I either have the same dream every night or I have a night terror, ya no fun at all. Since I'm bored as hell and having nothing better to do I shall describe the dream.
Dream(ignore):
Running through a dark forest with roots covering the ground. I'm wearing this white long dress but it has blood splatter all over it. these three hooded creatures are following me. then one pops out of the ground. a root raps around my feet and i trip into it's arms. so now there are 4 creatures. they take off their hoods, the three chasimg me are my mom,my stepdad, and my g-ma. the one holding me is my real dad. then the one holding me has like a dry ice blade pop out of his hand and he slits by throat then they disapear. and i'm left bleeding. then the tree roots slowly rap around my legs, causing massive pain and bleeding, and eventually completely cover me until i'm at the point of suffication. then i wake up.
ya so sleep=bad.

Build Your Own Disaster

Today sucked, as do most days. Things were going ok, minus the fact that I had only gotten 1.5 hrs of sleep, until 1st period. Then evil little meany head extrodinar opened her mouth and insulted my friend. My friend being Moreeta and evil being Katie. Well she know what's going on with her and she still continued to make fun of her until Moreeta was in tears. And what did Mrs. Mack(science teach) do? Absoulutely nothing. She heard them and did NOTHING. So needless to say I was so mad I was shaking, and I wanted to bash Katie's face in. But no matter I didn't because she has like 30ish lbs on me. So we tried to make Moreeta feel better but that wasn't very do able. So I'm MAD, and defeated. And I needed a hug, and the one person I needed one from wasn't there. grrrrr. And now I'm home babysitting my sister. Wow not fun, she's 2 and w/out a nap=/ Oh ya and I talked to Brock and he called me a liar and said that I made a lot of stuff up, but he said that they are giving up on fighting Andy and Shawn again. But the fact still reamains on wether you can trust someone who is dead to you.

Damn Damn Leash

Ok now that I've calmed down a bit I will go into a brief history of Brock&I so you will understand why I'm so mad.

Brock and I were forced to sit next to eachother and we talked like everyday, and we have since. We have most classes together and our lockers are next to eachother, so to say the least I see him quite often. We developed a friendship, and I have trusted him with things as I do some of my closer friends. Well he knows how much I will not tolerate liers and mean guys, but he began using things against me that I told him a few weeks ago. So I stopped telling him stuff until he regained my trust. And now he is just out to be a jerk and says that basically it's my fault when in reality he just wants to start a little drama. He is not a good friend when he has had me either in tears or on the verge of tears atleast five times this year, I don't know why I even trusted him. Now I'm going to have to see him everyday at my locker, we only sit next to eachother in math but I can switch seats w/ Brittany, but I still have to see him and have him say how stupid I'm being multiple times a day. Wow how utterly suckish. So I might try to share w/ Moreeta or something cuz I cannot handle that.

You Make Me Wanna Puke

Today: went to school and tried to prolong the fight so nothing happend. And gullible-ohl-me thought everything was good with Brock. Until this kid Donald-the one who allied with Terran; decided to go after Andy. And Shawn being the awsome person that he is protected Andy and fought Donald. Now things would seem to be resolved, right? Ya that's what I thought. Well yesterday Brock said nothings going to happen, lie #1, that he was cool with Andy, lie #2, that I could trust him, lie #3, and that he wasn't plotting anything, lie #4. Ya now he's running his mouth saying that now that Shawn is gone Andy's free-game, then I confronted him and he denied it, lie #5, and he had the odasity to say that I'm crazy and stupid. And Brock is blaming it all on me trying to say that he's protecting me, lie #6, and that I shouldn't be around them. One more and he's officially dead to me. But Terran is claiming a truce so maybe idk just maybe something good came from it. But Brock is still playing puppet master to a lot of people and can't just keep his mouth closed, but when the fight actually happend he just sat there and did nothing. He can't even back up what he says for christs-sake! He just likes to start drama and I'm done, so good-bye Brock I guess. And I accidently told my bf, Andy, that I love him. oooops=/ Oh ya forgot to mention: Brock is so shisty that when Shawn gets off suspension they're supposed to go after him again on Wednesday. So the odds(if no one backs out) on Brocks side: 3 vs. a few very strong people. Some enjoyment may come from this. Ok wow I've added to this like 3 times today but I cannot seem to get my rage off quite right. but there is another thing good about Brock completely betraying me and being a stupid jerk: he can't try to convert me anymore. Haha you stupid Jack-Mormon. I have no problem with Moromon people by the way, a few of my close friends are, but I HATE Jack-Mormons, Jack-Catholics, and Jack-Baptist(were you preach one thing on Sunday then do another the rest of the week and act like ur all high&mighty). So ya I'm happy being Ignostic you stupid, stupid boy.

Aenema

Today was ok, my stupid friend Brock is trying to get as many people as he can so he has back-up when he potentially fights Andy. But now he says he just wants to talk to Andy and beat-up Shawn, which may I add is hilarious. Any way now I'm stuck because Terran who has been in on it all along wants in on both fights (which I'm trying to stop) and told me another person may be in on them that is a friend to Andy and Shawn and I can't figure out if I should tell Andy because Terran might have lied. Oh-so-confusing. And to top it all off I was an idiot and power slid in science, ya I slid into the counters and now my knee is all messed up and it hurts to walk. But there were some good parts of today=)

Everything Changes

Today was uhhh eventful. First my friend Brock and Terran told me they wanted to beat up my other friend Andy. Well I have a few more loyalties to Andy so i told him. Then Brock said he hated me and wasn't talking to me ever again. Then he forgave me and decided to just quit telling me things, which works for me. Then one person asked me out, one person said he wanted to ask me out, one said he was thinking about it, and one asked hypothetically if I would. Holy crap can people not see how horrible i am? Either way atleast today is over with. Now on to tomorrow were I have to face school all over again. And Terran is going to find out from Brock and he's going to be mad. Yay me

So Far Away

Today was ok, except for my stupid gym partner which I don't want to talk about.
Until like ten minutes ago when I asked a dumb question and I got a horrible answer. I asked my dad if he thought I hate him and he said yes. I must truly be as terrible of a person, potentially even worse, than I thought for the man who helped create me to think that I hate him. This devistated me, kind of an understatement. Not sure what to do, but whatever I decide probly isn't going to be good.

Finger Twist and Split

Ya I thought I was done complaining for today, I was wrong.

3 things I'm so freaking sick of: woman constantly complaining how fat they are, stupid boys breaking girls hearts and not caring, and stupid dipstick emo cry babies. As you can tell I'm a little angry at the moment.

Woman/girls/ladies whatever the hell you want to call yourselves if you realy thought you were fat you'd being doing something about it not shoveling more food into your mouth. You stupid, stupid people there is so much more in life to stress about than your skinny lazy self. God just get over yourself! And to everyone who puts people down to make themselves feel suprior: go die.

Silly, silly little boys I know your not that ignorant to know when you're playing with someones feelings. And yes people actually do have those, I know so incredible, just beacuse your so caught up in your masculinity to block stuff out doesn't mean the rest of us are. Seriously tune out your self-dilutedness for one second and actually look at what you are doing to the people around you!

Last on my complaint list, but certainly not least, stupid little winers. Stop complaining about how your perfect little suburbian life sucks and go help someone who actually has problems. And you guys all say how your so unique, you wouldn't know unique if it bit you in the face. You're all just little carbon copies of eachother. All despondencies from the brain of a bored middle aged business man looking for a good investment. Just get over yourselves and go play in traffic!

Ya that pretty much concludes my complaining for now.

The Nameless

Ok so today is going ok. I'm still stressed about my family crap. But over all it's ok. I have worked on my other site and hung out with my little sister. There is only one small downside to all of it. School. I have to go tomorrow and deal with mostly immature idotic imbociles and grin while they act like morons. Yay me. And that stupid girl is realy starting to wear down my patience. Plus I have to face the guys I like. Wow tomorrow is going to suck. But none the less today is going ok.

About A Girl

Ya ok 1st blog. Yay, celebratory dance in order? No, not realy, just another way for me to push my anger, depression, and sometimes utter tragicness on other people. And so the titles don't sound completely crazy they're all songs. Today I am utterly upset, wow that's oh-so common these days. I have a lot of things going on lately. Why can't my life just decide to be boring? Any way back on subject.

First, my real-dad is being an utter jerk towards my mom. Saying how neither one of us give him a fair shot, how he allways tried to be there for me, how I allready hate him, blah blah blah. So basically I feel like crap because I'm overly sensitive and so it's all my fault that my mom has to deal with it and it's not fair that horrible people, such as myself, should ever be brought into this world. Plus the fact that this girl at my school is running her mouth and is realy starting to anger me with her stupidity. And to top it all off I like two of my friends and they both don't like me back. Wow how great is life?! I think maybe it'd all be okay if I could just get over everything, forget it all, then just block everyone out. Like crawl inside a sound proof buble and tell everyone else to go die. But that's not very realistic now is it? I hate that word emensily realistic ya I'm 14 and that word already affects me. I want to be a writer but that's not realistic, so scientist or psychiatrist it is I guess. Why do I allow people to control every aspect of my life?