Ohio Is For Lovers

Awsome song by the way, listening to it.

I decided against school Monday and Tuesday, but my mom has forced me to go the two days. My step-dad is truly a wanna be nazis, which is beyond infurating. Ugghhh. I was doing so well then it all has begun to tumble down the past few weeks. It was like my life was getting on some sort of track then probably two weeks ago it derailed itself, again. I realy can't stand much more of any of this stupid stuff. My real dad is threatning to take full or part-time custody of me. My mom is constantly freaking out on me. My step-dad is allways rude and commenting on how I eat(which by the way I have an ultimate solution for). My grandmother is drinking again and my mom isn't talking to her so she's venting to me constantly. My step-dad is blowing money so now we're screwed on stuff for a while. My great-grandmother told me she blames me for ruining my moms life...and for making my grandpa die. It's been completely eating away at me lately. I'm a horrible person. And she's right, I don't deserve to be alive most of the time. And today I made Alissa get her heart broken and she was crying for like 2 hours and I left her to..uhhhh..do something...and now she won't look at me. She knows it's my fault I guess. And apparently I'm leading Paul on, I didn't even know he liked me! And the one guy I like is....well...unatamable I guess is the word. Kinda burned that bridge. Then on average three times daily so far people ask me if I'm still dating Anthony and then why we broke up. Which it never bothered me that we did, because I liked someone else for a lot of the time and was going to end it because of the reason he did, but having it rubbed in your face that your not good enough for someone kinda sucks, hell it sucks hard. I'm just losing control of everything. But I realized why I'm friends with Brooke, it's because she doesn't care if I'm depressed/suicidal she actually incourages it and makes it worse which is twistedly comforting. And I'm hoping, praying actually, that Mrs.Vellucci will let me skip lunch to paint like I did today. Because if she did, like everyday for the rest of the year, I think I might be able to barely make it. But I'm not sure. And I was snapping myslef with a rubber band in the store and this random guy looked at me like I was the scum of the earth, so..I...well...bared my teeth and barked at him. He kinda sprinted away though so it worked. Now I have to go to school tomorrow and pretend like I'm ok when in reality most of the time I'm thinking of creative ways to die. The only one who even notices when I get quiet or just sad is Andy when he's around. Wierd. Oh ya before I forget....I have to say the person I like(long story don't ask):andy......ya I know...sad....

xoxo,
deathbeforemind