I've just seen a face

I was gone for a week and so much has happend, unfortunately. I kinda wish I could turn time and alter a few things but tragically I can't . Sadly some of it is my fault even if I tried to reverse the way things happend.
1. Jesse moves
2. Andy starts dating Kae's little sister-which is wierd to me for some reason 0.o
3. Robert-Colton thing
4.More family stuff
5. More anti-friends stuff
6. More dad problems
7. Blaim myself for most of it

There's more I just can't seem to remember much.
#3: Colton said stuff about Robert so they like started calling eachother names and taunting eachother. Then Robert got sick of it and decided the should fight. They tried but me&Randy didn't want him to get suspended and Ashley-Marie and Moreeta hold him back cuz Ashley's dating Colton. Well he broke through four people and he's little. So it scared Colton so they went home. They tried again but Colton was too scared to want to fight anymore. So Paul,Robert,and Toby antagonize(so I've heard) Colton or something and Colton calls like 21 years olds that are fresh out of the military to help him. So then Robert,Paul,and Toby go home and devise a plan. Well Robert&Paul go to school with like flip open knives-to protect themselves-but they show a whole bunch of people. So two people I know(never told anyone they found out) tell the counselors and now they are suspended/expelled. GRRRRRRRRRRR

Ohio Is For Lovers

Awsome song by the way, listening to it.

I decided against school Monday and Tuesday, but my mom has forced me to go the two days. My step-dad is truly a wanna be nazis, which is beyond infurating. Ugghhh. I was doing so well then it all has begun to tumble down the past few weeks. It was like my life was getting on some sort of track then probably two weeks ago it derailed itself, again. I realy can't stand much more of any of this stupid stuff. My real dad is threatning to take full or part-time custody of me. My mom is constantly freaking out on me. My step-dad is allways rude and commenting on how I eat(which by the way I have an ultimate solution for). My grandmother is drinking again and my mom isn't talking to her so she's venting to me constantly. My step-dad is blowing money so now we're screwed on stuff for a while. My great-grandmother told me she blames me for ruining my moms life...and for making my grandpa die. It's been completely eating away at me lately. I'm a horrible person. And she's right, I don't deserve to be alive most of the time. And today I made Alissa get her heart broken and she was crying for like 2 hours and I left her to..uhhhh..do something...and now she won't look at me. She knows it's my fault I guess. And apparently I'm leading Paul on, I didn't even know he liked me! And the one guy I like is....well...unatamable I guess is the word. Kinda burned that bridge. Then on average three times daily so far people ask me if I'm still dating Anthony and then why we broke up. Which it never bothered me that we did, because I liked someone else for a lot of the time and was going to end it because of the reason he did, but having it rubbed in your face that your not good enough for someone kinda sucks, hell it sucks hard. I'm just losing control of everything. But I realized why I'm friends with Brooke, it's because she doesn't care if I'm depressed/suicidal she actually incourages it and makes it worse which is twistedly comforting. And I'm hoping, praying actually, that Mrs.Vellucci will let me skip lunch to paint like I did today. Because if she did, like everyday for the rest of the year, I think I might be able to barely make it. But I'm not sure. And I was snapping myslef with a rubber band in the store and this random guy looked at me like I was the scum of the earth, so..I...well...bared my teeth and barked at him. He kinda sprinted away though so it worked. Now I have to go to school tomorrow and pretend like I'm ok when in reality most of the time I'm thinking of creative ways to die. The only one who even notices when I get quiet or just sad is Andy when he's around. Wierd. Oh ya before I forget....I have to say the person I like(long story don't ask):andy......ya I know...sad....

xoxo,
deathbeforemind

American Jesus

What has happend in the fourish days i didn't want to write:

1.Got mad at brooke again

2.anthony yells at me over something semi-important

3.mr.frank now dislikes me(hahaha)

4.miss sadie-sue terribly

5.anthony and i break up,but agree on being friends

6. have nervous break down because of #2

7. brooke comes over

8. laugh my head off

9. get lost and almost get attacked by pit bull,have to go through a cemetary, and randomly laugh at stupid semi-inapropiate things

10. Today I am sick.

Brooke decided to mock me over the phone so we got into an argument but then I semi-forgave her. Shawn and I kinda truced but he still hates me. Now #9 is funny. So Brooke and I are bored so we go to the park. We're there for like 2ish hours. Plus we hang out in the dug outs till this guy kicked us out. But my house is like 30min walk from there, but I decided to take a 'short' cut through another neighborhood. We got realy lost and had no idea where we were. So then we some how end up at a cemetary and have to break the fence around it so we can walk through it and try to find our way home. May I add it begun to snow/hail/rain by this point. So Brookes all interested in the graves were as I'm expecting to see zombies attack at any moment. So then theirs like two babies graves and I start crying over it because I'm a sap like that. Then we find our way out. So we have to walk along the golf course and this guy like followed us part of the way, creepy. Then eventually we found my house but I was extremely creeped out because we broke the stupid fence. And now I'm sick. Boo.

What I Should Have Learned In Study Hall

The past couple of days have been ok. Moreeta got ISS for 'fighting' with Katie, which means I got a break from both of them. Shawn continued his threatning and he said it to Anthony multiple times. So then he got mad so I felt guilty. Blah blah blah. Then a few minutes ago Ashley called and said Anthony's using me. But the question is for what exaclty, because he isn't getting anything. So I have to figure out what to do. Then theres another thing but it's unimportant right now. Leanne and I are going to get kicked out of history tomorrow so that'll be fun. And I'm done with my english isats. But I have to go to school tomorrow. And deal with Brock calling me fat, stupid, and worthless. Why am I his friend?

If It Makes You Happy

I'm sick.
Physically sick, mentally sick, and just SICK.
Yesterday I started dating this guy Anthony, =D. But Shawn is being mean and saying he's going to make him break up with me. I got WAY too much sleep last night(10hrs holy hell) I realized I'm not advancing in certain things as well as I thought(no descriptions srry). I can't stand girls, other than myself obviously just kidding, but realy they fight,cry,then are over it. how STUPID. then they throw fits because they spilled soda everywhere and wasn't happy so everyone had to leave. Uggghhhhh. And Shawn found my achilles heel and has been using it against me for the past like 3ish days. Jerk. And I missed my bus the past 2 days. But on Sunday I get to do my first tattoo i think!!!! My step-dad is letting me give him a tattoo on his calf I'm stoked!!!!! yay!!!! and i decided on my dream tat: it'll go from my ankle to my armpitish area. and from my ankle to my hip will be all Tim Burton movies. From my hip-up will be Edgar Allen Poe poems. YAY

Epiphany

Wow how incredibly unusual but I am happy to report that I am happy. It's like a Halloween miracle(don't realy like Christmas). I have realized so much lately(today and last night) that I'm actually semi-ok for a while. What I have realised:
1. sleep is for losers, just load up on coffee and it'll be good.
2. brock is stupid so i should ignore him constantly calling me fat....right?
3. sadie is the coolest person ever...wel..already knew that but it's fun to add
4. Guys are WAY better to be around than girls
5. I don't need a bf, ever
6. Negative people are not good to surround yourself with
7. I'm over Andy
8. It's pointless to like the person I do, but it's harmless fun
9. p.e. is a great way to vent frustration(especially in soccer muahahaha)
10. I realy need to learn how to walk.
11. I'm going to be ok (holy hell!)
12. I'm on the computer WAY too much
13. Writing/drawing is a great outlet for any unholesome(haha) thoughts (i.e. suicide,depression,ect)

I have learned so much that it's over-indulging just to think about it. Well, not realy. Stuff still kinda lurks at the edge of every happy thought, but I'm going to be ok.
Now today: boring,boring,boring. We painted flats again. But I got injured multiple times. I fell up&down my stairs this morning, got kicked(soccer), hit my head, ran into a wall, go pushed into a wall&vending machine(kae i'll get u back), and ran into a lot of people. But the worst of all was in 6th period: Shawn and I got into our average slapping/hitting fight then he sat on Mayde. Then he sat on me and him and Matthew started tickling me. So I like turned and flipped the chair over. Then slamed into the door behind me. Shawn landed on me, and I...well..landed on the concrete. So I hit my head again like 3or4 times. Ow. And I think Jesse is mad at me, but I'm not sure why, so I hope he's not but I'm usually right. Oh ya and the next person who asks me if I'm dating Robert is going to get suckerpunched. I got asked that like 5 times today. NO I AM NOT. we're just realy good friends stupid people. Oh ya my new life analogy: Life blows,literally. For some it is enjoyable and devastatingly amazing and fun. For others it uncomfortable, miserable, and your just counting the seconds until it's over.
hahaha ya i was bored walking home yesterday.

Nevermind

Today was better. I realised how incredibly awsome Jesse&Robert can be. And how miserably petty Moreeta can be. New seats in science YAY! But I had to walk home and got hit in the neck&in the boobs by these like nerf soccer balls, which can hurt I promise. I got bored in science and started a story(I wrote WAY more but got bored of typing) so here part of it is:

I want to be invisable, disappear into the cheap leather of the passenger seat, but I can't. Moms golden brown hair is blowing from the ajar badly tinted window, her cigarrette ash dripping down her newly manicured fingers.
"Where are we going?"
"Where ever the hell I want. Is that ok with you?"
That was the end, if I continued she would begin to yell. I have learned it's much better for me to stay silent versus continueing my train of thought. 'Left lane must turn left' the sign posted on the interstate light read. What if I don't want to turn left? What if I want to go straight? Plow straight into the pole. The scream of tires, the squeal of crunching metal, the smash of glass. Perfect. A beautifully tragic end. But I can't control that, I can't do much of anything especially not control my life. But of course she turned left, not thinking of how she has no control of what she just did. Others poses the power, my other is her and her little ideals of wanting the perfect daughter. That I am not. In the back of my mind I know were we are going, but I can't seem to admit it to myself.
"Alright darlin lets have a little talk. You know what's going on, correct?"
"No ma'am."
The car pulled in front of a large buildin, the puke blue paint had begun to peel off of the stucco walls. 'Pleasant Prairie' was written above the massive doors.
"Oh god Mom, no, you can't do this to me."
"Ya hon I can. Hell I did. Your stuf's in the back.Grab it would ya. And don't even think of running, there's no where to go."
She kicked open the rickety door, a purely disgusted look plastered to her face. I looked around as I pried open the door, and she was right. Desert land was ambient. Theres no way out of this hell. My Hell.

Last Words

Today freaking SUCKED. I HATE EVERYTHING right now. I now remember why I named school B.A.O.H.(the black abyss of hell). I HATE THAT PLACE!!!!! God and stupid Katie decided to start stuff again and I had a panic attack in the middle of math, yay=(. Mrs.Mack is a nvm nothing nice to write on that one.
P.E. sucked because like 3 girls were actually playing on my team, thanx to the guys we won though. I'm just DONE with everything right now. I realy can't handle the stress of it. I don't know what to do. I'm not sleeping, I hate some of my friends(ya idk that means you, you stupid spineless *****) GRRRRRRR. I just want to move FAR away. I wish I could make it too Las Vegas on the whole $4 I have because Brooke wasted my money(ya I can't stand you Brookie-Cookie) I'm just sick of it all. I think I'm just going to fade like I did last year, skip lunch and write outside and just distance myself from everyone. But i don't know.
One FUNNY thing did happen though, Jesse got panced down to his ankles. hahaha

Message From The Dead

Alright I'm bored and stressed. So I decided to make a letter segmet of my boring lifeish blog. Here is what I have so far:

Dear Dirt Bag,
I HATE you so damn much it makes me physically ill. Your the worst kind of creep. I pray that you die in the most painful way possible and that it takes a while. Maybe then you can reflect on what you have done to others. See you in hell.

Dear Sadie,
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You're my best friend for a reason ya know. You have gotten me threw some rough times and I hope I've been able to return the favor. I'll allways be here for you. I know you may feel like you've been a bad friend lately, but trust me you haven't. I've been going through some extremely hard stuff right now and I can't seem to talk about it, so I've been pushing a lot of people away, possibly even you. I'm so sorry. I kinda fail at a lot of shit but I'm trying my hardest to make sure our friendship stays together until we both die. I love you girly. See you this summer!!!

Dear ?,
You're a dumbass, but I think I'm in love with you. I have realized it over the past few days. I understand completely if you don't want to be with me, I wouldn't either. But I will allways be there when you feel you need to talk, if you ever do. Your obviously not emotionally dead, you just can't see it. Maybe in time you will. Your such an amazing guy, but your a dumbass for wanting to die.

Dear me,
Your a stupid worthless piece of shit. You have hurt so many people, you deserve only the worst. You do not deserve to have what you do. And most of all you DO NOT deserve to be loved EVER. One day you may redeem yourself, but it'll be a while. You only have two more years left, so suck it up and put on a damn good fake smile. Oh ya two more things. One: STOP forgetting to eat it's pretty important and why is it so damn hard for you to remember?! Two: those shameful bruises and cuts are becoming more and more noticeable so nock-it-off before you get yourself into a world of trouble. Ok?!


ya people are crazy that didn't help me one bit. darn

The Grand Delusion

Blah-todays disctriptive word.
my g-ma hit my sister then was mean to me about it, like yelling at me mean. She's so evil sometimes.
and a lot of stuff in between.
my main stressor at the present: Andy.
he is threatening suicide again, and me being Ms.Fix-it is going insane because i can't make things better. uggghhh life blows. and i decided to take a lot of online tests because i was realy bored. ya bad idea. according to the test i am/have:

slighlty hostile

a hopeless romantic(wtf?!)

possibly an extreme anxiety disorder

masochistic(already knew that)

extremely depressed(it actually told me to seek help IMMEDIATELY)

potenitally have an type A personality

an alternist

so basically i'm crazy an potenitially screwed in life altogether. yay me.

The Aarchy Waltz

I'm slowly getting closer to being completely over Andy but not quite.
Today I went to the mall with my parents(i hate the mall btw) but I got a shirt, has anarchy symblos and peace signs all over i'm stoked!, and a new knife. My knife is realy cool!When it's folded it's a celtic cross then you flip it open and it's a cross with a black blade. YAY!!! My dad got two knives, one a sweet thing with a hole in the middle so the other person bleeds out faster(ya my families twisted) and then on that's a replica of the Hilter Youth knife. I'm mad because it has the swatstica and I told him uncomfortable I was with him being so joyous and he continued and made rasist comments. NOT OK. I'm completely against that and it infuriated me. My mom told him to stop and he like rolled his eyes at her then put it away. Then my mom was trying to get my lil sis to leave this playplace and he's like "ya i knew it would be hard for you to be around all these munchcins(sp?) (my mom has had 2 mischarriages in the past year and has depression from it) so she almost cired and he walked away. Wow. Grrrrrr