Almost Lover

Ok so I've been M.I.A. for quite some time none, very very sorry to whom ever wastes their time to read this. So much has happend I can't even begin to write it all down but I will try.
In order for the most part..well not really.
1.Move to Florida
2.Sadie comes to stay with me =D
3.Find out mom's prego
4. Mom has another miscarriage
5.More mental break downs than imaginable
6.Therapist..need i say more?
7.Nicolee moves in
8. Move AGAIN
9. Hook Leanne and Gary up
10. Start rewriting Psychosis

There has to be so much more but that's all I'm coming up with, too many nights with no sleep. Stupid nightmares. Anyway I'll try to write on a weekly basis from now on. But I'm babysitting right now so I'll explain more later.

xoxo

Beauty From Pain

I need to scream right now. It's all falling apart again. Half the time I feel like I'm uder water and I just can't breathe anymore. Everyone seems so far away even if I'm standing right next to them. If I try to say I think I need help my heart starts beating out of my chest, my head hurts, I feel like I can't move, and I'm like mute. It's so damn hard to fake it. I just want to scream until my lungs burst. Until someone hears me, realy hears me. I NEED HELP. I can't do this by myself anymore. I just can't do it period I guess. Everything seems to be getting worse, I sware everything I touch turns to shit. There have actually been days were I'm paranoid to touch anything.

Anyway.....
Moreeta and 'us' are still fighting. But I feel bad about it because it's not completely fair for us to freak on her for standing up for her friend. I DON"T KNOW!!!! uggg

Over and Under

Hello again.
How is hell my dear?

WoW is an uderstatement. I being the drama queen that I am got overly involved in the whole fight thing. But as suspected it wasn't just Robert and Pauls fault!!!! Ok so.....The knives were obviously just for protection. But Colton also had one or two but he handed them off then told the counselor about R&P's. Stupid Pansy. Then Colton only got 1 day ISS-I am so pissed..but nothing I can do. So Moreeta&Ashley are like bragging that Colton is so amazing when he is realy a douche bag extroudenair. So me,Kae,and Leanne freak out on Moreeta. But she like got upset and hurt(haha) then appoligized at the end of the day. I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU! See ya.
Oh wait almost forgot the best part!!!!!
Robert&Paul got 2 days suspension!!!!!!!!!!So they'll be back tomorrow or monday!!!! yay my buddies will be back!!! well minus jesse *sob*

I've just seen a face

I was gone for a week and so much has happend, unfortunately. I kinda wish I could turn time and alter a few things but tragically I can't . Sadly some of it is my fault even if I tried to reverse the way things happend.
1. Jesse moves
2. Andy starts dating Kae's little sister-which is wierd to me for some reason 0.o
3. Robert-Colton thing
4.More family stuff
5. More anti-friends stuff
6. More dad problems
7. Blaim myself for most of it

There's more I just can't seem to remember much.
#3: Colton said stuff about Robert so they like started calling eachother names and taunting eachother. Then Robert got sick of it and decided the should fight. They tried but me&Randy didn't want him to get suspended and Ashley-Marie and Moreeta hold him back cuz Ashley's dating Colton. Well he broke through four people and he's little. So it scared Colton so they went home. They tried again but Colton was too scared to want to fight anymore. So Paul,Robert,and Toby antagonize(so I've heard) Colton or something and Colton calls like 21 years olds that are fresh out of the military to help him. So then Robert,Paul,and Toby go home and devise a plan. Well Robert&Paul go to school with like flip open knives-to protect themselves-but they show a whole bunch of people. So two people I know(never told anyone they found out) tell the counselors and now they are suspended/expelled. GRRRRRRRRRRR

Ohio Is For Lovers

Awsome song by the way, listening to it.

I decided against school Monday and Tuesday, but my mom has forced me to go the two days. My step-dad is truly a wanna be nazis, which is beyond infurating. Ugghhh. I was doing so well then it all has begun to tumble down the past few weeks. It was like my life was getting on some sort of track then probably two weeks ago it derailed itself, again. I realy can't stand much more of any of this stupid stuff. My real dad is threatning to take full or part-time custody of me. My mom is constantly freaking out on me. My step-dad is allways rude and commenting on how I eat(which by the way I have an ultimate solution for). My grandmother is drinking again and my mom isn't talking to her so she's venting to me constantly. My step-dad is blowing money so now we're screwed on stuff for a while. My great-grandmother told me she blames me for ruining my moms life...and for making my grandpa die. It's been completely eating away at me lately. I'm a horrible person. And she's right, I don't deserve to be alive most of the time. And today I made Alissa get her heart broken and she was crying for like 2 hours and I left her to..uhhhh..do something...and now she won't look at me. She knows it's my fault I guess. And apparently I'm leading Paul on, I didn't even know he liked me! And the one guy I like is....well...unatamable I guess is the word. Kinda burned that bridge. Then on average three times daily so far people ask me if I'm still dating Anthony and then why we broke up. Which it never bothered me that we did, because I liked someone else for a lot of the time and was going to end it because of the reason he did, but having it rubbed in your face that your not good enough for someone kinda sucks, hell it sucks hard. I'm just losing control of everything. But I realized why I'm friends with Brooke, it's because she doesn't care if I'm depressed/suicidal she actually incourages it and makes it worse which is twistedly comforting. And I'm hoping, praying actually, that Mrs.Vellucci will let me skip lunch to paint like I did today. Because if she did, like everyday for the rest of the year, I think I might be able to barely make it. But I'm not sure. And I was snapping myslef with a rubber band in the store and this random guy looked at me like I was the scum of the earth, so..I...well...bared my teeth and barked at him. He kinda sprinted away though so it worked. Now I have to go to school tomorrow and pretend like I'm ok when in reality most of the time I'm thinking of creative ways to die. The only one who even notices when I get quiet or just sad is Andy when he's around. Wierd. Oh ya before I forget....I have to say the person I like(long story don't ask):andy......ya I know...sad....

xoxo,
deathbeforemind

American Jesus

What has happend in the fourish days i didn't want to write:

1.Got mad at brooke again

2.anthony yells at me over something semi-important

3.mr.frank now dislikes me(hahaha)

4.miss sadie-sue terribly

5.anthony and i break up,but agree on being friends

6. have nervous break down because of #2

7. brooke comes over

8. laugh my head off

9. get lost and almost get attacked by pit bull,have to go through a cemetary, and randomly laugh at stupid semi-inapropiate things

10. Today I am sick.

Brooke decided to mock me over the phone so we got into an argument but then I semi-forgave her. Shawn and I kinda truced but he still hates me. Now #9 is funny. So Brooke and I are bored so we go to the park. We're there for like 2ish hours. Plus we hang out in the dug outs till this guy kicked us out. But my house is like 30min walk from there, but I decided to take a 'short' cut through another neighborhood. We got realy lost and had no idea where we were. So then we some how end up at a cemetary and have to break the fence around it so we can walk through it and try to find our way home. May I add it begun to snow/hail/rain by this point. So Brookes all interested in the graves were as I'm expecting to see zombies attack at any moment. So then theirs like two babies graves and I start crying over it because I'm a sap like that. Then we find our way out. So we have to walk along the golf course and this guy like followed us part of the way, creepy. Then eventually we found my house but I was extremely creeped out because we broke the stupid fence. And now I'm sick. Boo.

What I Should Have Learned In Study Hall

The past couple of days have been ok. Moreeta got ISS for 'fighting' with Katie, which means I got a break from both of them. Shawn continued his threatning and he said it to Anthony multiple times. So then he got mad so I felt guilty. Blah blah blah. Then a few minutes ago Ashley called and said Anthony's using me. But the question is for what exaclty, because he isn't getting anything. So I have to figure out what to do. Then theres another thing but it's unimportant right now. Leanne and I are going to get kicked out of history tomorrow so that'll be fun. And I'm done with my english isats. But I have to go to school tomorrow. And deal with Brock calling me fat, stupid, and worthless. Why am I his friend?

If It Makes You Happy

I'm sick.
Physically sick, mentally sick, and just SICK.
Yesterday I started dating this guy Anthony, =D. But Shawn is being mean and saying he's going to make him break up with me. I got WAY too much sleep last night(10hrs holy hell) I realized I'm not advancing in certain things as well as I thought(no descriptions srry). I can't stand girls, other than myself obviously just kidding, but realy they fight,cry,then are over it. how STUPID. then they throw fits because they spilled soda everywhere and wasn't happy so everyone had to leave. Uggghhhhh. And Shawn found my achilles heel and has been using it against me for the past like 3ish days. Jerk. And I missed my bus the past 2 days. But on Sunday I get to do my first tattoo i think!!!! My step-dad is letting me give him a tattoo on his calf I'm stoked!!!!! yay!!!! and i decided on my dream tat: it'll go from my ankle to my armpitish area. and from my ankle to my hip will be all Tim Burton movies. From my hip-up will be Edgar Allen Poe poems. YAY

Epiphany

Wow how incredibly unusual but I am happy to report that I am happy. It's like a Halloween miracle(don't realy like Christmas). I have realized so much lately(today and last night) that I'm actually semi-ok for a while. What I have realised:
1. sleep is for losers, just load up on coffee and it'll be good.
2. brock is stupid so i should ignore him constantly calling me fat....right?
3. sadie is the coolest person ever...wel..already knew that but it's fun to add
4. Guys are WAY better to be around than girls
5. I don't need a bf, ever
6. Negative people are not good to surround yourself with
7. I'm over Andy
8. It's pointless to like the person I do, but it's harmless fun
9. p.e. is a great way to vent frustration(especially in soccer muahahaha)
10. I realy need to learn how to walk.
11. I'm going to be ok (holy hell!)
12. I'm on the computer WAY too much
13. Writing/drawing is a great outlet for any unholesome(haha) thoughts (i.e. suicide,depression,ect)

I have learned so much that it's over-indulging just to think about it. Well, not realy. Stuff still kinda lurks at the edge of every happy thought, but I'm going to be ok.
Now today: boring,boring,boring. We painted flats again. But I got injured multiple times. I fell up&down my stairs this morning, got kicked(soccer), hit my head, ran into a wall, go pushed into a wall&vending machine(kae i'll get u back), and ran into a lot of people. But the worst of all was in 6th period: Shawn and I got into our average slapping/hitting fight then he sat on Mayde. Then he sat on me and him and Matthew started tickling me. So I like turned and flipped the chair over. Then slamed into the door behind me. Shawn landed on me, and I...well..landed on the concrete. So I hit my head again like 3or4 times. Ow. And I think Jesse is mad at me, but I'm not sure why, so I hope he's not but I'm usually right. Oh ya and the next person who asks me if I'm dating Robert is going to get suckerpunched. I got asked that like 5 times today. NO I AM NOT. we're just realy good friends stupid people. Oh ya my new life analogy: Life blows,literally. For some it is enjoyable and devastatingly amazing and fun. For others it uncomfortable, miserable, and your just counting the seconds until it's over.
hahaha ya i was bored walking home yesterday.

Nevermind

Today was better. I realised how incredibly awsome Jesse&Robert can be. And how miserably petty Moreeta can be. New seats in science YAY! But I had to walk home and got hit in the neck&in the boobs by these like nerf soccer balls, which can hurt I promise. I got bored in science and started a story(I wrote WAY more but got bored of typing) so here part of it is:

I want to be invisable, disappear into the cheap leather of the passenger seat, but I can't. Moms golden brown hair is blowing from the ajar badly tinted window, her cigarrette ash dripping down her newly manicured fingers.
"Where are we going?"
"Where ever the hell I want. Is that ok with you?"
That was the end, if I continued she would begin to yell. I have learned it's much better for me to stay silent versus continueing my train of thought. 'Left lane must turn left' the sign posted on the interstate light read. What if I don't want to turn left? What if I want to go straight? Plow straight into the pole. The scream of tires, the squeal of crunching metal, the smash of glass. Perfect. A beautifully tragic end. But I can't control that, I can't do much of anything especially not control my life. But of course she turned left, not thinking of how she has no control of what she just did. Others poses the power, my other is her and her little ideals of wanting the perfect daughter. That I am not. In the back of my mind I know were we are going, but I can't seem to admit it to myself.
"Alright darlin lets have a little talk. You know what's going on, correct?"
"No ma'am."
The car pulled in front of a large buildin, the puke blue paint had begun to peel off of the stucco walls. 'Pleasant Prairie' was written above the massive doors.
"Oh god Mom, no, you can't do this to me."
"Ya hon I can. Hell I did. Your stuf's in the back.Grab it would ya. And don't even think of running, there's no where to go."
She kicked open the rickety door, a purely disgusted look plastered to her face. I looked around as I pried open the door, and she was right. Desert land was ambient. Theres no way out of this hell. My Hell.

Last Words

Today freaking SUCKED. I HATE EVERYTHING right now. I now remember why I named school B.A.O.H.(the black abyss of hell). I HATE THAT PLACE!!!!! God and stupid Katie decided to start stuff again and I had a panic attack in the middle of math, yay=(. Mrs.Mack is a nvm nothing nice to write on that one.
P.E. sucked because like 3 girls were actually playing on my team, thanx to the guys we won though. I'm just DONE with everything right now. I realy can't handle the stress of it. I don't know what to do. I'm not sleeping, I hate some of my friends(ya idk that means you, you stupid spineless *****) GRRRRRRR. I just want to move FAR away. I wish I could make it too Las Vegas on the whole $4 I have because Brooke wasted my money(ya I can't stand you Brookie-Cookie) I'm just sick of it all. I think I'm just going to fade like I did last year, skip lunch and write outside and just distance myself from everyone. But i don't know.
One FUNNY thing did happen though, Jesse got panced down to his ankles. hahaha

Message From The Dead

Alright I'm bored and stressed. So I decided to make a letter segmet of my boring lifeish blog. Here is what I have so far:

Dear Dirt Bag,
I HATE you so damn much it makes me physically ill. Your the worst kind of creep. I pray that you die in the most painful way possible and that it takes a while. Maybe then you can reflect on what you have done to others. See you in hell.

Dear Sadie,
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You're my best friend for a reason ya know. You have gotten me threw some rough times and I hope I've been able to return the favor. I'll allways be here for you. I know you may feel like you've been a bad friend lately, but trust me you haven't. I've been going through some extremely hard stuff right now and I can't seem to talk about it, so I've been pushing a lot of people away, possibly even you. I'm so sorry. I kinda fail at a lot of shit but I'm trying my hardest to make sure our friendship stays together until we both die. I love you girly. See you this summer!!!

Dear ?,
You're a dumbass, but I think I'm in love with you. I have realized it over the past few days. I understand completely if you don't want to be with me, I wouldn't either. But I will allways be there when you feel you need to talk, if you ever do. Your obviously not emotionally dead, you just can't see it. Maybe in time you will. Your such an amazing guy, but your a dumbass for wanting to die.

Dear me,
Your a stupid worthless piece of shit. You have hurt so many people, you deserve only the worst. You do not deserve to have what you do. And most of all you DO NOT deserve to be loved EVER. One day you may redeem yourself, but it'll be a while. You only have two more years left, so suck it up and put on a damn good fake smile. Oh ya two more things. One: STOP forgetting to eat it's pretty important and why is it so damn hard for you to remember?! Two: those shameful bruises and cuts are becoming more and more noticeable so nock-it-off before you get yourself into a world of trouble. Ok?!


ya people are crazy that didn't help me one bit. darn

The Grand Delusion

Blah-todays disctriptive word.
my g-ma hit my sister then was mean to me about it, like yelling at me mean. She's so evil sometimes.
and a lot of stuff in between.
my main stressor at the present: Andy.
he is threatening suicide again, and me being Ms.Fix-it is going insane because i can't make things better. uggghhh life blows. and i decided to take a lot of online tests because i was realy bored. ya bad idea. according to the test i am/have:

slighlty hostile

a hopeless romantic(wtf?!)

possibly an extreme anxiety disorder

masochistic(already knew that)

extremely depressed(it actually told me to seek help IMMEDIATELY)

potenitally have an type A personality

an alternist

so basically i'm crazy an potenitially screwed in life altogether. yay me.

The Aarchy Waltz

I'm slowly getting closer to being completely over Andy but not quite.
Today I went to the mall with my parents(i hate the mall btw) but I got a shirt, has anarchy symblos and peace signs all over i'm stoked!, and a new knife. My knife is realy cool!When it's folded it's a celtic cross then you flip it open and it's a cross with a black blade. YAY!!! My dad got two knives, one a sweet thing with a hole in the middle so the other person bleeds out faster(ya my families twisted) and then on that's a replica of the Hilter Youth knife. I'm mad because it has the swatstica and I told him uncomfortable I was with him being so joyous and he continued and made rasist comments. NOT OK. I'm completely against that and it infuriated me. My mom told him to stop and he like rolled his eyes at her then put it away. Then my mom was trying to get my lil sis to leave this playplace and he's like "ya i knew it would be hard for you to be around all these munchcins(sp?) (my mom has had 2 mischarriages in the past year and has depression from it) so she almost cired and he walked away. Wow. Grrrrrr

Straight Jacket Fashion

I am stupid,stupid, STUPID. I still like Andy, like alot and sadly there is nothing I can do about it. It turns my stomach to know he likes another girl and I hate the fact I'm not perfect for him to like me back. Holy crap I am truly pathetic. I'll get over it eventually, I have to because I still want to be his friend but wow it sucks for now. I realy will be okay. Atleast I think I'm moving soon so that'll help(bonus I'll be FAR way from Brooke). And I started being a dumb person again. Today is sucking tremedously. And I have to hang-out with Brooke today and I realy wish I could just go plummtining headfirst off a bridge at the moment. There it is again, the ever present suicidal tendencies that lay within every person mind, I'm just twisted enough to actually put it in writing though. I just need to forget everyone and everything and I'll be ok.

Evil Angel

Things are seemingly going ok. But seemingly is a damn deadly word. My "second-best friend" called me pathetic and basically said if I was going to do something I might as well just kill myself. Which she doesn't get is allways on my mind and a large possibility, moron. And she threw a tantrum over the computer and almost hit me with this heavy wooden chair, ya love ya too Brookie, so of course I have to punish myslef for making her do it. I am blaming myself again for my parents problems and I am begining to develop a plan(write more later?) I want to be happy and things to be ok but stuff allways seems to happen to set me back and start my self-hate allover again. Gotta go see what's wrong with my sister, write again eventually.

You Live, You Learn

Ok so lets review:

1.Boring Field Trip Yestersay
2.Robert and I take wrong bus
3.Spring Break Starts
4.Jesse tells me he still likes me
5.Mayde tells me who she actually likes
6.Andy dumps me

Ya I feel asleep during the movie and Kae tickled me so I fell out of my seat like a spaz. I was following Paul and Robert was following me and we went the wrong way. 3 is self-explanatory. Jesse and I are close friends and he likes my friends Mayde but just wants a gf. Shawn was supposidly going to ask me out but I went out w/ Andy because Mayde "liked" Shawn, but in reality she likes some one else. And I'm slowly getting over #6.

Start From Skratch

Well I would like to start this out as a retraction for ever thinking Andy would cheat on me, sorry babe i love you. Next I would like to profess my undying dislike for that stupid skank Katie. Ok now that that is settled details will begin.

1)Katie is evil and deserves everything Robert said to her, yes even the moo-ing.
2)My friends SUCK, minus like 4, seriously I would have their backs in a fight or even an argument in a heartbeat but they won't even stick up for me. Ya go to hell! You guys are cool to be around but when it comes down to it you'r not there thanx how helpful.
3) I was incredibly wrong about Andy. But for the one person who knows my entire history(Sadie) it'd be understandable I guess, but not excusable.
4)It is not my fault if the world is going to hell, the world already is hell. I need to stop taking responsibility for other peoples problems and deal with mine.
5) It's ok to make mistakes,as long as you learn from them.
6)What happend in the past needs to stay there and I have to learn to get over it, most of it happend nine years ago and it still stresses me out. I'll be ok if I just let it go and forget.
7)My real friends,Brooke Sadie and Robert plus my bf Andy, are the coolest people ever and everyone else could just go die.
8)My parents problems are not my problems, nor are they my fault.
9)It'll all be ok, one of these days it'll all make sense.
10)Death is not allways the answer. Pure rage is.

Those are the things I must convince myself of, though #1,3,7 are COMPLETELY true and I already know this.

I Can't Stand You

today was great,until the end of the day.

Lets start with the good.
That girl Katie thought it would bother me if she talked about me. It didn't, so I got some enjoyment from her idiocy. All that means is that I got to her with what I said and if she's trying to get me back she's going to have to work a little harder. Then I was happy being around Andy. And 6th period we did nothing. Then my dad was late so I took the bus and he actually came so he made me feel guilty about it. This guy told me I looked like a hooker. And the worst news. This other guy on my bus told me Andy has been cheating on me with like 2 other girls. So ya I'm going to confront him then probly break-up with him depending on what he says. The crappy part about it is that I was actually falling for him and he did that. All guys suck! Oh and Katie and Moreeta are now "friends" but Katie is still talking to her, but I'll let her figure that one out on her own because it's her own fault for trusting that stupid nvm no good words come to mind.

The New Dark Ages

I'm extremely bored so this is what becomes of it I suppose. I am watching my 2year old little sister so my mom can go to a Drowning Pool/Saliva concert, without me. It sucks pretty bad but autographs may come of it I suppose. Today was uneventful for the most part. My parentals argued(usual occurance), went grocery shoping(gag me w/ a spoon), drank lotz of coffee because sleep is bad because dreams are starting to horrify me, and killed a butterfly on this skirt so I will actually wear it. Ya dull.
The whole sleep deprivstion thing is because I either have the same dream every night or I have a night terror, ya no fun at all. Since I'm bored as hell and having nothing better to do I shall describe the dream.
Dream(ignore):
Running through a dark forest with roots covering the ground. I'm wearing this white long dress but it has blood splatter all over it. these three hooded creatures are following me. then one pops out of the ground. a root raps around my feet and i trip into it's arms. so now there are 4 creatures. they take off their hoods, the three chasimg me are my mom,my stepdad, and my g-ma. the one holding me is my real dad. then the one holding me has like a dry ice blade pop out of his hand and he slits by throat then they disapear. and i'm left bleeding. then the tree roots slowly rap around my legs, causing massive pain and bleeding, and eventually completely cover me until i'm at the point of suffication. then i wake up.
ya so sleep=bad.

Build Your Own Disaster

Today sucked, as do most days. Things were going ok, minus the fact that I had only gotten 1.5 hrs of sleep, until 1st period. Then evil little meany head extrodinar opened her mouth and insulted my friend. My friend being Moreeta and evil being Katie. Well she know what's going on with her and she still continued to make fun of her until Moreeta was in tears. And what did Mrs. Mack(science teach) do? Absoulutely nothing. She heard them and did NOTHING. So needless to say I was so mad I was shaking, and I wanted to bash Katie's face in. But no matter I didn't because she has like 30ish lbs on me. So we tried to make Moreeta feel better but that wasn't very do able. So I'm MAD, and defeated. And I needed a hug, and the one person I needed one from wasn't there. grrrrr. And now I'm home babysitting my sister. Wow not fun, she's 2 and w/out a nap=/ Oh ya and I talked to Brock and he called me a liar and said that I made a lot of stuff up, but he said that they are giving up on fighting Andy and Shawn again. But the fact still reamains on wether you can trust someone who is dead to you.

Damn Damn Leash

Ok now that I've calmed down a bit I will go into a brief history of Brock&I so you will understand why I'm so mad.

Brock and I were forced to sit next to eachother and we talked like everyday, and we have since. We have most classes together and our lockers are next to eachother, so to say the least I see him quite often. We developed a friendship, and I have trusted him with things as I do some of my closer friends. Well he knows how much I will not tolerate liers and mean guys, but he began using things against me that I told him a few weeks ago. So I stopped telling him stuff until he regained my trust. And now he is just out to be a jerk and says that basically it's my fault when in reality he just wants to start a little drama. He is not a good friend when he has had me either in tears or on the verge of tears atleast five times this year, I don't know why I even trusted him. Now I'm going to have to see him everyday at my locker, we only sit next to eachother in math but I can switch seats w/ Brittany, but I still have to see him and have him say how stupid I'm being multiple times a day. Wow how utterly suckish. So I might try to share w/ Moreeta or something cuz I cannot handle that.

You Make Me Wanna Puke

Today: went to school and tried to prolong the fight so nothing happend. And gullible-ohl-me thought everything was good with Brock. Until this kid Donald-the one who allied with Terran; decided to go after Andy. And Shawn being the awsome person that he is protected Andy and fought Donald. Now things would seem to be resolved, right? Ya that's what I thought. Well yesterday Brock said nothings going to happen, lie #1, that he was cool with Andy, lie #2, that I could trust him, lie #3, and that he wasn't plotting anything, lie #4. Ya now he's running his mouth saying that now that Shawn is gone Andy's free-game, then I confronted him and he denied it, lie #5, and he had the odasity to say that I'm crazy and stupid. And Brock is blaming it all on me trying to say that he's protecting me, lie #6, and that I shouldn't be around them. One more and he's officially dead to me. But Terran is claiming a truce so maybe idk just maybe something good came from it. But Brock is still playing puppet master to a lot of people and can't just keep his mouth closed, but when the fight actually happend he just sat there and did nothing. He can't even back up what he says for christs-sake! He just likes to start drama and I'm done, so good-bye Brock I guess. And I accidently told my bf, Andy, that I love him. oooops=/ Oh ya forgot to mention: Brock is so shisty that when Shawn gets off suspension they're supposed to go after him again on Wednesday. So the odds(if no one backs out) on Brocks side: 3 vs. a few very strong people. Some enjoyment may come from this. Ok wow I've added to this like 3 times today but I cannot seem to get my rage off quite right. but there is another thing good about Brock completely betraying me and being a stupid jerk: he can't try to convert me anymore. Haha you stupid Jack-Mormon. I have no problem with Moromon people by the way, a few of my close friends are, but I HATE Jack-Mormons, Jack-Catholics, and Jack-Baptist(were you preach one thing on Sunday then do another the rest of the week and act like ur all high&mighty). So ya I'm happy being Ignostic you stupid, stupid boy.

Aenema

Today was ok, my stupid friend Brock is trying to get as many people as he can so he has back-up when he potentially fights Andy. But now he says he just wants to talk to Andy and beat-up Shawn, which may I add is hilarious. Any way now I'm stuck because Terran who has been in on it all along wants in on both fights (which I'm trying to stop) and told me another person may be in on them that is a friend to Andy and Shawn and I can't figure out if I should tell Andy because Terran might have lied. Oh-so-confusing. And to top it all off I was an idiot and power slid in science, ya I slid into the counters and now my knee is all messed up and it hurts to walk. But there were some good parts of today=)

Everything Changes

Today was uhhh eventful. First my friend Brock and Terran told me they wanted to beat up my other friend Andy. Well I have a few more loyalties to Andy so i told him. Then Brock said he hated me and wasn't talking to me ever again. Then he forgave me and decided to just quit telling me things, which works for me. Then one person asked me out, one person said he wanted to ask me out, one said he was thinking about it, and one asked hypothetically if I would. Holy crap can people not see how horrible i am? Either way atleast today is over with. Now on to tomorrow were I have to face school all over again. And Terran is going to find out from Brock and he's going to be mad. Yay me

So Far Away

Today was ok, except for my stupid gym partner which I don't want to talk about.
Until like ten minutes ago when I asked a dumb question and I got a horrible answer. I asked my dad if he thought I hate him and he said yes. I must truly be as terrible of a person, potentially even worse, than I thought for the man who helped create me to think that I hate him. This devistated me, kind of an understatement. Not sure what to do, but whatever I decide probly isn't going to be good.

Finger Twist and Split

Ya I thought I was done complaining for today, I was wrong.

3 things I'm so freaking sick of: woman constantly complaining how fat they are, stupid boys breaking girls hearts and not caring, and stupid dipstick emo cry babies. As you can tell I'm a little angry at the moment.

Woman/girls/ladies whatever the hell you want to call yourselves if you realy thought you were fat you'd being doing something about it not shoveling more food into your mouth. You stupid, stupid people there is so much more in life to stress about than your skinny lazy self. God just get over yourself! And to everyone who puts people down to make themselves feel suprior: go die.

Silly, silly little boys I know your not that ignorant to know when you're playing with someones feelings. And yes people actually do have those, I know so incredible, just beacuse your so caught up in your masculinity to block stuff out doesn't mean the rest of us are. Seriously tune out your self-dilutedness for one second and actually look at what you are doing to the people around you!

Last on my complaint list, but certainly not least, stupid little winers. Stop complaining about how your perfect little suburbian life sucks and go help someone who actually has problems. And you guys all say how your so unique, you wouldn't know unique if it bit you in the face. You're all just little carbon copies of eachother. All despondencies from the brain of a bored middle aged business man looking for a good investment. Just get over yourselves and go play in traffic!

Ya that pretty much concludes my complaining for now.

The Nameless

Ok so today is going ok. I'm still stressed about my family crap. But over all it's ok. I have worked on my other site and hung out with my little sister. There is only one small downside to all of it. School. I have to go tomorrow and deal with mostly immature idotic imbociles and grin while they act like morons. Yay me. And that stupid girl is realy starting to wear down my patience. Plus I have to face the guys I like. Wow tomorrow is going to suck. But none the less today is going ok.

About A Girl

Ya ok 1st blog. Yay, celebratory dance in order? No, not realy, just another way for me to push my anger, depression, and sometimes utter tragicness on other people. And so the titles don't sound completely crazy they're all songs. Today I am utterly upset, wow that's oh-so common these days. I have a lot of things going on lately. Why can't my life just decide to be boring? Any way back on subject.

First, my real-dad is being an utter jerk towards my mom. Saying how neither one of us give him a fair shot, how he allways tried to be there for me, how I allready hate him, blah blah blah. So basically I feel like crap because I'm overly sensitive and so it's all my fault that my mom has to deal with it and it's not fair that horrible people, such as myself, should ever be brought into this world. Plus the fact that this girl at my school is running her mouth and is realy starting to anger me with her stupidity. And to top it all off I like two of my friends and they both don't like me back. Wow how great is life?! I think maybe it'd all be okay if I could just get over everything, forget it all, then just block everyone out. Like crawl inside a sound proof buble and tell everyone else to go die. But that's not very realistic now is it? I hate that word emensily realistic ya I'm 14 and that word already affects me. I want to be a writer but that's not realistic, so scientist or psychiatrist it is I guess. Why do I allow people to control every aspect of my life?